Listening remains one of the most difficult tasks known to man. Sure we all have ears but we also have brains which interfere with listening just as much as they enhance it.
I remember how my teacher demonstrated this to me in high school. After engaging us on an exciting topic, he called out three students who were most attentive and contributed throughout his presentation.
His open ended question “What did you hear?” brought interesting answers to bear. To some he nodded but for others he quickly remarked “I never said that”. Imagine how many students heard things that were not uttered by our teacher that day.
Unfortunately, what we just described isn’t just a classroom experience, it also happens quite frequently outside the classroom especially in our relationships.
It is said that couples who actively listen to each other grow to know and appreciate each other. Without listening, all we have as explanations for what others do are our own bigotry. We map out a world of cause and effect in our minds and subject everyone else to the confines of its narrow paths.
Of course there appears to be nothing wrong with this when it gives you the reassurance of being right. But appearance can be sometimes the greatest deception there is. We can never get the true picture without actively engaging the people whose picture we seek to grasp.
I once read about a couple that had what they called listening time. It was a time they consciously set aside to genuinely listen to each other. During this time, only one person is allowed to pour out their heart at a time while the other plays a supportive listening role.
Even if the speaker says something that the listener finds offensive, the listener is supposed to remain a listener. This kind of couple moment needs a lot of mental and emotional prepping to be fruitful. I mean, just one word uttered can completely throw the listener off balance resulting in yet another uproar.
Without listening, all we have as explanations for what others do are our own bigotry. We map out a world of cause and effect in our minds and subject everyone else to the confines of its narrow paths.
A good mental preparation for listening to your partner is to listen for a reason to adjust your own opinions. This is what compromise is all about. In compromise, we make the choice not to have it all our way.
We decide to let others have their opinions imprinted on our canvas of ideas. No true relationship can be sustained without compromise.
However, compromise isn’t an unconscious activity; we can’t just go around compromising just for the sake of it. There has to be a logical basis for compromise and that’s why we listen to our partner. But again, don’t fall into the trap of writing your partner’s opinion off as irrational.
Even in the irrationality, there’s a bit of logic to consider. Learn to pick the pearls from the dust. As abnormal psychologists will tell you “there’s a bit of sanity in every insanity”.
Imagine what true satisfaction both of you will have knowing that each partner’s opinion is welcomed and respected.
I’ll end with an admonition from the Bible. The Apostle James wrote “My dear brothers (and sisters), take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
This is the formula for long lasting relationships. The efforts shouldn’t be so much about speaking out or reacting in anger. It’s really about taking out that precious time to listen. To listening, be quick but to all else, it is okay to be a little slow and hesitant.
Restpiration 